"us"

i am so sick of being alone.
i want to be part of an "us".
to have someone i can call mine.
to be wanted, needed, loved.
i want someone to let me love them.

i think ive done it...

i think ive done it.

i think i have finally managed to...

although given the opportunity i would gladly go back in a second...

but i think i might be back to friends on this one.

wish i werent.

but if thats where she wants to be thats where i would rather be.

ps...i got an A in acc...how kick ass is that?

im pretty excited.

pps. i hate secrets. i want to be able to tell all that i have had bottled up.

i cried...

tonight on the way home from the hospital, i cried. a lot.

i just let loose and cried about everything that has been weighing on me.

i cried for laura...

i cried about how much pain she was in, how i had to leave the hospital because i couldnt stand to stay there watching her be in that much pain. i cried that through all of this, she still may not be done with this ordeal. i cried about how potentially dangerous this last procedure was...and she doesnt even know it yet.

i cried for my mom...

i cried about the fact that she is changing every day before my eyes and there is nothing we can do about it. i cried that even if they figure something out to do it is still going to change who she is in a huge way. i cried because i love her and i hate when shit (for lack of a better word) like this happens to her.

i cried because i have bad gas mileage lately. i cried because i am totally broke and it sucks, i just want to be able to go shopping for once.

i cried that i had left jones alone all day.

i cried that i think i really hate my job but i am scared because i dont know what to do in life.

i cried about how badly my heart is still broken, and how i dont know how to get over it.

i cried for dumb things, i cried for really important things...

i cried and cried and cried...and then cried some more.

it felt good to get it out.

i wish i could fix all of it, so i wouldnt have to cry about it.

im still figuring that part out...

well this sucks...

i am totally in love with her.

but she doesnt feel the same way.

how do you fall out of love?
anyone?
because i need to...

every day i wake up i think today will be different...
then that little blue light lights up my phone, and my heart jumps...and i know it wont be.

i try getting mad at her, i try shutting her out like she does to me, i try getting her mad at me so i can think she is a bitch...none of it has worked.

i want to go back to being just friends like she wants to be, i need that, but i cant figure it out.

peanut

I miss this little guy... But I am so increadibly happy for him, and the little guy he has become.
Congrats Keenan John Angel.

ive come to a realization...

it doesnt really make me feel better.

or worse...

i just have a little more clarity now.

dreams

dreams...

i have been having a lot of them lately.

some are just very off the wall and strange...

but the dreams that are killing me, that i keep having every night, are the ones that i wake up and it breaks my heart all over again when i realize they arent real.

i so wish they were real...

birfday!!!!

its my birthday this saturday!

who doesnt love birthdays?

i am excited to be 20 and not be a teenager anymore.

it doesnt really feel like my birthday is right around the corner though.

growing up and being an adult sucks because the little things that used to happen for your birthday dont anymore.

i loved when i was little that for about a month before your birthday there would be cards in the mail for you from people you hardly even knew, but they remembered your special day.

and at school your friends would bring you cards and presents...and just little things that made me feel special.

it has always been hard for it to feel like "my day" as a lot of people say their birthdays are, because i share my birthday with halloween, but my parents always managed to make it fun when i was younger.

some days i really wish i could go back to being little...when i didnt have to worry about bills, or work, or school deadlines, and i could just enjoy that it was my birthday and have fun with my friends and family.

lately...

...i miss us.
i miss being a part of something.
i know i shouldnt.
and i try not to.
but it was nice.
and i miss it.

ps. damn hormones.
make me all weird every month.
no matter how hard i try to not let them.

im a fake

some days i feel like i am faking it all.
like if i were to just give up on some things i would be so much happier.
i fake a smile each day at work.
but i keep going back.
i fake a smile when people ask me about my mom when really all i want to do is curl up and cry.
i dont want to lose her, but i am so scared that i am going to.
i fake a smile at school...
i hate what im studying...but i have no clue what i want to do.
i even fake a smile at home some days.
being fake isnt fun.
but sometimes i feel like i cant express what i really feel without being judged.
yeah, i am scared. and yeah, im sad. and yeah, im not really happy where im at.
but i keep going at it every day.

this week has been hard.
ever since mom gave us the news its all i can think about.
i am so scared about the days, weeks, and months to come.
i try to stay positive, but its hard.
i feel like i need a constant hug to keep it together.
instead, i plaster on a fake smile, keep going, and try to stay strong.
i cant keep this up though...its starting to wear me down.
i need a break. i need to just cry.
i need you to be there for me.

"just friends"

the past month has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions.

i go from being completely fine with this one minute, to sobbing the next.

i want to forget.

i want to move on.

but part of me cant.

there is still that small part of me that holds out hope that someday...maybe...

i have seen how good it can be...i had never felt that before.

and now that is what i want.

even if it isnt with her.

i want to find someone that will make me feel how i did during those two wonderful months.

someone who will treat me how i deserve to be treated.

and i know they are out there...i thought i had found her...

but i guess i just keep looking.

just to see you smile...

You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from bein made of gold
I dont know how that I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no
Just like when you were leavin amarillo
To take that new job in tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I cant forget the way you looked at me
Just to see you smile
Id do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
Id never count the cost
Its worth all thats lost
Just to see you smile
When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
Cuz leavin didnt hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin down your face
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance
Id lie again
Just to see you smile
Id do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
Id never count the cost
Its worth all thats lost
Just to see you smile

Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever wanna live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then look around. Drink it in. 'Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

i am stuck on band aid brand cuz germs dont stick on me

i am trying to leave the bandaid alone.
whats underneath needs to heal.

if you give me a chance...

I would give you my heart
Be all that you need
Show you you're everything That's precious to me
If you give me a chance
I can love you like that.

warning label

relationships should come with a warning label.

warning: some days you may feel like you've been punched in the stomach and had your heart stomped on. other days may be worse.

im not saying every day is like this, but some days def are.

is it winter?

because it sure feels like it. 

all summer i could feel the warm sunshine, all around me. 

it was a wonderful feeling, and i dont know where it has gone. 

i feel like all of these clouds have come, and blocked out the sun, and now i am trying to push away the clouds, just to get a glimpse of that ray of sun i used to know so well. 

the clouds always manage to beat me though, no matter how hard i try, and its killing me. 

i just want my sun back. 

the road debris of life...

...can really suck sometimes.
just when you think things are getting back to normal, there is another giant piece of tread waiting in the road to tear up your car. (or your girlfriends...)
i love my mom, and i am worried about her.
i want to know what is going on.
isnt this what the drs get paid the big bucks for? and they cant figure it out?
i love her and i want her to be better.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Ill shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
Ill get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? 
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? 
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? 

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.
Ill shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
Ill get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? 
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? 
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? 
Feelin all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin.
Oh, didnt i, didnt i, didnt I see you cryin? 

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
Id love you to love me.
Im beggin you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.

hormones

i hate them.
they make me a bitch.
and i dont like that.
i hate that when my hormones are all outa whack i hurt people i dont mean to.
i say things i regret, and i cant take them back.
i also do things i regret.
they should just lock me in a room by myself with no outside communication for this week.
but. thats not possible.
busy busy week ahead. this isnt really how i wanted to spend my last week before school starts.
but its what ive got.
i want to escape. get away from it all.
i wish i could afford to just take this week of and go to the beach.
just hang out and be me.
nothing more, nothing less.
damn work. and money.

this isn't me.

this isn't me.

this is laura.

she's the best.

laura that is.

me, i guess.

huh. 

that was deep.

=)

mom

yesterday my mom had a psychotic breakdown. 

she has been diagnosed with psychosis and is now staying at a residential psychiatric facility. 

i miss her. 

i know the medication did this to her, but i miss who she was. 

i want it to go back to normal. 

when i saw her yesterday she looked so empty. 

and she said she hates me. 

i know she didnt mean it, but it still hurt. 

i never knew how nice it was to be able to stop in any time to see her, or to call her for random reasons. now i cant. for probably at least a month. 

this is going to be a very stressful time for my whole family. 

i am trying to stay strong for them, its just so hard sometimes. 

i need a hug. 

or a drink. 

or both. 

i still miss her. 

ups and downs

throughout our lives we go through different phases. 

its the same with this relationship. 

we have our ups, and we have our downs, our good times and bad. 

but...if we can make it through those times and still have a strong, loving relationship then i know we can make it. 

"i love you always, i just may not always like you." 

my mom used to say that to me, and i never really understood what she meant till now. 

i will always love her. no matter what. i cant help that. 

but there are days, usually in those down times, that i dont like anything, or anyone. 

including her. and myself. 

and i am scared on one of those down days i will hurt her, and i would die if i ever did anything to hurt her. 

but then, things go back up, and i love her more than i ever had in the past. 

its those down times that build us up, that make us stronger, that make me want her even more. 

i said this to someone else today "I love her so much. And when we are together I cant even remember how it used to be."

that is the 100% truth. 

procedure

ugh. 

damn insurance. 

cant they just do it already?

love

i love her. 

i dont know how i fought this so long. 

i am so happy with her. 

when i am away from her i just want to be with her, and i would do anything to make her happy. 

i hate to see her hurt, and i hate even more to see her cry. 

i am scared for wednesday. 

i know everything will be ok, but i wish she didnt have to go through this again. 

ps. love is a wonderful thing. 

lately

i am so happy :) 

people have noticed it too. 

they say i am smiling more, that i seem happier...ask if i have a boyfriend or something.

something like that...

i am happy in life, i am hopeful for school, and i am even hopeful for a change in pace at work. 

its funny how one little thing can change every aspect of life. 

life

school is stressing me out and it isnt even here yet. 

money is dumb. why does everything have to be about money?

family. ugh. enough said. 

work is killin me. i need a day off. just a small break from it all. 

but even with all of that i come home and everything feels better. 

because when i come home i see her. 

she makes it all better. 

i just lay down and take her in. 

her scent. her look. her touch. 

i want to be with her all the time. 

nothing else in the world matters when i am with her.  

how it is

we are really doing this. 

and it scares me daily, but it excites me even more. 

i cant keep my mind off her. 

if im not focussed on something, my mind wanders, and it always ends up there. 

i love her touch. her gentle ways.

uuuuuupdate!

we are doing good! 

taking it slow, one day at a time. 

i freak out daily that this is really happening, and this is really going on, but im getting there. 

she is finally letting me in. 

now i just have to let her in. 

i am glad i didnt stop caring. 

now to tell people...

here we go

well...we are gonna try this. 

and we are both scared. and excited. 

but we will get there. 

i told

its real now. 

its out in the air, and so am i. 

i dont know what this means, or where we go. 

i just wait and see. 

im scared. 

but excited for the possibilities. 

mom

i want my mom to accept me for who i am. 

i dont want to be my sister. 

or my brother. 

i want to be me. 

and right now i dont know who that is. 

but when i figure it out, i just want her to accept me and be proud of me. 

however, i feel lately that with every step i take and every decision i make i get further and further away from this. 

but i cant change who i am, this is just me. 

confused

i am so confused lately.

i dont know what these thoughts mean. 

this sounds cheesy, but...i need a sign. 

one way or the other. 

but. at this point i just wait and see i guess. 

well...

i am hungry.

and exhausted.

and my mind doesnt even have any real thoughts. 

it is too packed full for anything meaningful to come out. 

but i am afraid that it is going to explode all over the place soon. 

and then i will really be screwed. 

i need a break. 

i need someone to talk to about all of this. 

to just listen. 

who am i?

I wish I could figure out who I am so I can start living my life.

tuesday

i love 24 hr drive throughs.

i miss having my person at work. 

she is so busy now its hard to talk. 
she doesnt realize it though, and i need her back so much.
why do people have to change?

i am worried still. even more now.
my head tells me that everything will be ok.
but my heart makes me worry.

ugh

i am sooo worn out.

i want this all to turn out right, but i just dont know if i can make it happen with what i am given. 

i dont have enough time. 

i dont have enough resources. 

i dont have enough people. 

but i have enough drive...so i am going to make it happen. 

i want people to stop telling me i should quit. 

i love what i am doing, and i have a passion for it. 

so why would i quit? 

im worried. 

two questions

why wont you let me in?

why wont you let me see you?

im sick of caring. 

but i dont want to give up.