uuuuuupdate!

we are doing good! 

taking it slow, one day at a time. 

i freak out daily that this is really happening, and this is really going on, but im getting there. 

she is finally letting me in. 

now i just have to let her in. 

i am glad i didnt stop caring. 

now to tell people...

here we go

well...we are gonna try this. 

and we are both scared. and excited. 

but we will get there. 

i told

its real now. 

its out in the air, and so am i. 

i dont know what this means, or where we go. 

i just wait and see. 

im scared. 

but excited for the possibilities. 

mom

i want my mom to accept me for who i am. 

i dont want to be my sister. 

or my brother. 

i want to be me. 

and right now i dont know who that is. 

but when i figure it out, i just want her to accept me and be proud of me. 

however, i feel lately that with every step i take and every decision i make i get further and further away from this. 

but i cant change who i am, this is just me. 

confused

i am so confused lately.

i dont know what these thoughts mean. 

this sounds cheesy, but...i need a sign. 

one way or the other. 

but. at this point i just wait and see i guess. 

well...

i am hungry.

and exhausted.

and my mind doesnt even have any real thoughts. 

it is too packed full for anything meaningful to come out. 

but i am afraid that it is going to explode all over the place soon. 

and then i will really be screwed. 

i need a break. 

i need someone to talk to about all of this. 

to just listen. 

who am i?

I wish I could figure out who I am so I can start living my life.

tuesday

i love 24 hr drive throughs.

i miss having my person at work. 

she is so busy now its hard to talk. 
she doesnt realize it though, and i need her back so much.
why do people have to change?

i am worried still. even more now.
my head tells me that everything will be ok.
but my heart makes me worry.

ugh

i am sooo worn out.

i want this all to turn out right, but i just dont know if i can make it happen with what i am given. 

i dont have enough time. 

i dont have enough resources. 

i dont have enough people. 

but i have enough drive...so i am going to make it happen. 

i want people to stop telling me i should quit. 

i love what i am doing, and i have a passion for it. 

so why would i quit? 

im worried. 

two questions

why wont you let me in?

why wont you let me see you?

im sick of caring. 

but i dont want to give up.