hormones

i hate them.
they make me a bitch.
and i dont like that.
i hate that when my hormones are all outa whack i hurt people i dont mean to.
i say things i regret, and i cant take them back.
i also do things i regret.
they should just lock me in a room by myself with no outside communication for this week.
but. thats not possible.
busy busy week ahead. this isnt really how i wanted to spend my last week before school starts.
but its what ive got.
i want to escape. get away from it all.
i wish i could afford to just take this week of and go to the beach.
just hang out and be me.
nothing more, nothing less.
damn work. and money.

this isn't me.

this isn't me.

this is laura.

she's the best.

laura that is.

me, i guess.

huh. 

that was deep.

=)

mom

yesterday my mom had a psychotic breakdown. 

she has been diagnosed with psychosis and is now staying at a residential psychiatric facility. 

i miss her. 

i know the medication did this to her, but i miss who she was. 

i want it to go back to normal. 

when i saw her yesterday she looked so empty. 

and she said she hates me. 

i know she didnt mean it, but it still hurt. 

i never knew how nice it was to be able to stop in any time to see her, or to call her for random reasons. now i cant. for probably at least a month. 

this is going to be a very stressful time for my whole family. 

i am trying to stay strong for them, its just so hard sometimes. 

i need a hug. 

or a drink. 

or both. 

i still miss her. 

ups and downs

throughout our lives we go through different phases. 

its the same with this relationship. 

we have our ups, and we have our downs, our good times and bad. 

but...if we can make it through those times and still have a strong, loving relationship then i know we can make it. 

"i love you always, i just may not always like you." 

my mom used to say that to me, and i never really understood what she meant till now. 

i will always love her. no matter what. i cant help that. 

but there are days, usually in those down times, that i dont like anything, or anyone. 

including her. and myself. 

and i am scared on one of those down days i will hurt her, and i would die if i ever did anything to hurt her. 

but then, things go back up, and i love her more than i ever had in the past. 

its those down times that build us up, that make us stronger, that make me want her even more. 

i said this to someone else today "I love her so much. And when we are together I cant even remember how it used to be."

that is the 100% truth.