birfday!!!!

its my birthday this saturday!

who doesnt love birthdays?

i am excited to be 20 and not be a teenager anymore.

it doesnt really feel like my birthday is right around the corner though.

growing up and being an adult sucks because the little things that used to happen for your birthday dont anymore.

i loved when i was little that for about a month before your birthday there would be cards in the mail for you from people you hardly even knew, but they remembered your special day.

and at school your friends would bring you cards and presents...and just little things that made me feel special.

it has always been hard for it to feel like "my day" as a lot of people say their birthdays are, because i share my birthday with halloween, but my parents always managed to make it fun when i was younger.

some days i really wish i could go back to being little...when i didnt have to worry about bills, or work, or school deadlines, and i could just enjoy that it was my birthday and have fun with my friends and family.

lately...

...i miss us.
i miss being a part of something.
i know i shouldnt.
and i try not to.
but it was nice.
and i miss it.

ps. damn hormones.
make me all weird every month.
no matter how hard i try to not let them.

im a fake

some days i feel like i am faking it all.
like if i were to just give up on some things i would be so much happier.
i fake a smile each day at work.
but i keep going back.
i fake a smile when people ask me about my mom when really all i want to do is curl up and cry.
i dont want to lose her, but i am so scared that i am going to.
i fake a smile at school...
i hate what im studying...but i have no clue what i want to do.
i even fake a smile at home some days.
being fake isnt fun.
but sometimes i feel like i cant express what i really feel without being judged.
yeah, i am scared. and yeah, im sad. and yeah, im not really happy where im at.
but i keep going at it every day.

this week has been hard.
ever since mom gave us the news its all i can think about.
i am so scared about the days, weeks, and months to come.
i try to stay positive, but its hard.
i feel like i need a constant hug to keep it together.
instead, i plaster on a fake smile, keep going, and try to stay strong.
i cant keep this up though...its starting to wear me down.
i need a break. i need to just cry.
i need you to be there for me.