the winds of change

things change. they are changing around me right now.
i long for change for myself, but it scares the crap out of me.
how do i know this is what i want an not what i think i want because someone tells me i should?
what do i even want?
up until about a year ago, i knew what i wanted.
finish my degree.
get married.
have babies.
be a stay at home mom.
i guess thats what i still really long for, but i had to go and complicate it by wanting it all with a girl.
maybe i shouldnt want that. maybe its not really right. maybe it really is an "abomination" and this is God's way of punishing me. by crumpling up my dreams that ive had since i was little one by one.
i just wish i knew.
i want so badly to force pieces of my life together.
to avoid pain.
but all i think im doing is hurting myself more.
i need to figure me out.
what i want.
who i want.
who i am.
what i want to do with my life.
i cant keep doing things because i think someone else wants me to.
i have to stop seeking approval from everyone in my life and for once live for me.
but what i really want? those dreams ive had since i was a little girl? not so simple.
yet everyone around me seems to be getting just exactly what I want.
it just doesnt seem fair.

i need to step back.
re-evaluate my goals.
i feel like i SHOULD stay at the Y because its related to what im getting my degree in.
the Y is comfortable for me.
its building a foundation for me.
a foundation i sure as hell need when i graduate from college.
but is that where i want to be?
some days, yes.
most days, no.
i love the mission, i love the people, but is that enough to stay in a job for?
i dont think so anymore.
but how do you tell that to a person who has been mentoring you, expecting you to be staying with the company, expecting you to be loyal?
thats the part i dont know.

the winds of change may be coming for me.
i think i might put a foot out there. into unknown territory for me.
we will see what comes of it.