stream of consciousness (as mckmama would say...)

I had so much to say earlier and now its mostly all gone.
I have a lot of emotions and thoughts that cloud my head at times, but I was racing out the door and didnt have time to stop and write them all down.

I am still scared. I am still reserved.
It was about this far in last time that things started getting shitty.
So yes, I am still holding a small piece of my heart guarded so that if things go south again thats one less piece I have to pick up.
I want to let go of my fear, give this all I've got, I just cant yet.

"I will show you love like you’ve never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word"

I hope thats true...

Moving on...

Sometimes I resent these sicknesses.
I dont resent her, it is in no way her fault.
But I find myself hating the migraines and the heart problems.
For her sake.
I want her to be able to have a full life and not end up in bed or on the couch in pain every night.
That just isnt fair.
I still feel awful saying that I resent them though.

Im off to work for my mom this weekend and next week again.
But when youve only got $25 to your name for the next 2 weeks you've gotta do something.
So I will go and clean her house and make more than I make working my actual job.
Maybe I should quit and do this full time.
But not really.
I would hate it.

I guess thats all for now.
I should really get back to work.
If this were true MckMama style this would be MUCH longer and I would have a bajillion pictures in it, but I guess I'm just not as cool. Or something...

wow

i cant believe its been a year since i told.
a year since i first said those words.
and what a year it has been.
even with all of the ups and downs it has caused, i wouldnt take back what i said that night.
it has allowed me to be who i really am.
THIS is me.
its been a tough journey, and i know that it will get tougher still, but i also know that i have such a community of support built up around me.
there are still 4 very important people i need to tell.
the rest will find out when they find out.
but i am scared.
scared of losing 3 of those people.
those 3 people are so important in my life, i cant bear to think of my life without them.
so i hide it still.
eventually the day will come.

where i am at

"It’s not about sex at all, even though that’s the first thing that pops in your head. It’s about the love and the vibe you get from the person."

I love where we are at.
I am so happy to be back in a relationship with her.
I am SO SO happy for her that she was finally able to tell someone.
I love every minute that I spend with her.

But...

I am still a little scared.
Scared of getting hurt again.
I dont want to be, and I am trying to give this my all, but I know that, for now, there is still that little piece of my heart that I am still protecting.
Waiting a little longer to make sure it doesnt get hurt again.
I want to be able to give my all, for both of us, and I will get there, but for now I am still just a little scared.

i want to hold your hand...

Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

Oh, please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
and please, say to me

You'll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your ha-a-a-a-a-a-and

today

a lot of thoughts.
just taking it day by day, moment by moment.

This is Me...

Always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say

But I have this dream
Right inside of me
I'm gonna let it show
It's time to let you know
To let you know

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me

Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark?
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star

Even though it seems
Like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me

Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you, I gotta find you

You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you, I gotta find you

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me

There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me, this is me

Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

getting there...

im getting there.
closer to telling.
well...closer to telling my family.
ive told a few more people recently.
and it feels good to be able to talk about it.
i wish i could talk about it more often.
like its not a big deal.
i want to tell people things.
have them share in my small victories.
be able to joke about things.
i hate hiding it.
i wish i were able to be myself.
i have ready so many stories lately.
and i have a circle of support.
but i want more.
i want to tell my close friends, but im scared i will lose them.
i want to tell my family.
im just not strong enough yet.