funeral

today was the funeral.
i think in every way it was perfect for nana.
we had mass, which honored her strong catholic heritage.
there was a bagpipes player who played danny boy and amazing grace.
all of her children were there (except, of course, Earl, who she is in heaven with even now).
jimmy played the piano which was perfect because she gave him the piano he learned to play on.
there were 3 rosaries in her casket.
we sang.
we cried.
some talked.
perfect.
sad.
still hard to believe she really is gone.

I needed you
You weren't there
I asked
You couldn't come
I cried
And was alone

nana

shes gone.
i cant believe it.
i know i didnt have the closest of relationiships with her, and i made fun of her crazy ways.
but now...shes gone.
no more of her crazy stories.
no more of her old irish songs.
it happened so fast.
i know she was old, but i still didnt expect it.

christmas decorations!

we dont have a TON of christmas decorations up, but i have pictures of the few we do have, so i thought i would share.

here is our tree. no ornaments (yet) but we have mostly ones we made growing up that we will put up eventually...sometime before christmas...lol.

Here are our christmas candles and a cute reindeer. :)

STOCKINGS!!! Lauras, Jones' (our puppy), and mine!

Other Christmas decorations around the house.

Some outdoor decorations. :)

Hope you enjoyed this brief tour of my AZ christmas decorations!

grenade

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash,
Tossed it in the trash you did

To give me all your love
Is all I ever asked
But what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
Oh, oh I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby
But you won't do the same

why i get a flu shot...

many people have asked me why i, a 21 yr old perfectly healthy person, get the flu shot every year. i dont really feel like i should have to justify why i get it, it seems like common sense to me to get the flu shot, but i got to thinking about it and heres why...

i get it for the people i love. for people i dont know who have weakened immune systems. for everyone around me. for myself. for social responsibility. for the kids i work with on a weekly basis. but most of all i get it for laura.

that sounds weird, im sure. but i live with her. she has a weakened immune system. if she were to get the flu it could be devastating. if her mom or sister were to get the flu it could be even worse.

honestly, i dont understand why people DONT get the flu shot unless for some medical reason they cant. its simple. it barely hurts. it takes a few minutes out of your life. you can even find free shot clinics to get it if you cant afford it. i come into contact with so many people every day who it could be devastating for if they were to get the flu that for me it seems like a no-brainer.

i guess not everyone thinks like me...

same words, different tune

And I still fell for it again. And it hurt just as bad the second time. Just change the music each time and I'd probably do it a third or fouth time too. Most days it doesn't hurt, but today it does. I gave my all. Loved with all I had. Let my guard down again. And got hurt again. How?? Why?? I was so careful this time. I don't know the answer to that. So for tonight, I hurt. But I move on.

Show us your life: Livingroom!

Lets try something different tonight...Ill join in on my first ever blog hop, thanks to Kelly at Kelly's Korner, and show off our livingroom. Its nothing fancy, just live in an apartment, but it works for us. :)
Ill preface this by saying just about everything in our apartment is from IKEA.

First we have our entertainment center. We dont have cable so we have a LOT of dvd's.

Then we have our wall of photos. (This was before we put pictures in the frames.) We have a crib because my parents used to do infant foster care and my sister has two boys, 1 and 4 yrs old, who we help care for sometimes.

Last we have our couches. Oh and our ceiling fan! Big savior in Arizona. These couches are awesome because the covers can come of and be washed, and if we every choose to change colors we can easily do that too. That comes in very handy when we have a puppy and small children around.

This last picture just shows the true color of our walls. They are much more teal than they look in all of the previous pictures.

emptiness

i feel empty tonight.
like everything has been drained out of me.
im financially drained, emotionally drained, physically drained.
i have invested so much lately into everything around me, and i dont feel like i am getting anything back.
i need to get something back.
selfish as that may sound.
i need to take a minute for me.
to not worry about anything or anyone else but me.
but i feel like i have to play catch up all the time.
i worry that one morning i will wake up and everything will have moved on.
i will still be stuck working at the y, 20 years old, in college, and they will be gone.
off to their marriages or kids or new careers...
i just dont want to be left in the dust.
uuuuuugh.

the winds of change

things change. they are changing around me right now.
i long for change for myself, but it scares the crap out of me.
how do i know this is what i want an not what i think i want because someone tells me i should?
what do i even want?
up until about a year ago, i knew what i wanted.
finish my degree.
get married.
have babies.
be a stay at home mom.
i guess thats what i still really long for, but i had to go and complicate it by wanting it all with a girl.
maybe i shouldnt want that. maybe its not really right. maybe it really is an "abomination" and this is God's way of punishing me. by crumpling up my dreams that ive had since i was little one by one.
i just wish i knew.
i want so badly to force pieces of my life together.
to avoid pain.
but all i think im doing is hurting myself more.
i need to figure me out.
what i want.
who i want.
who i am.
what i want to do with my life.
i cant keep doing things because i think someone else wants me to.
i have to stop seeking approval from everyone in my life and for once live for me.
but what i really want? those dreams ive had since i was a little girl? not so simple.
yet everyone around me seems to be getting just exactly what I want.
it just doesnt seem fair.

i need to step back.
re-evaluate my goals.
i feel like i SHOULD stay at the Y because its related to what im getting my degree in.
the Y is comfortable for me.
its building a foundation for me.
a foundation i sure as hell need when i graduate from college.
but is that where i want to be?
some days, yes.
most days, no.
i love the mission, i love the people, but is that enough to stay in a job for?
i dont think so anymore.
but how do you tell that to a person who has been mentoring you, expecting you to be staying with the company, expecting you to be loyal?
thats the part i dont know.

the winds of change may be coming for me.
i think i might put a foot out there. into unknown territory for me.
we will see what comes of it.

i can relate

i can relate to how she feels in this video.
not a bad thing.
i love that i can have those feelings for someone.
i never thought i would.



I think I was 12
Uploaded by tehdownloads. - Explore videos for gay and lesbian community.

here i am again

so school started, and so far its not too bad. of course, i havent even had all of my classes yet. haha.
i have high hopes for this semester. it always starts that way. ive even made flash cards!!!
lets see if it keeps up this way.
ive managed to make my brain SHUT UP and stop driving me nuts and i am happy now.
i am comfortable.
i like it.
this year needs to hurry up and end.
this semester i know is going to draaaaag by, but i would be ecstatic if it flew by.
im ready for next year.
i graduate at the end of next year!
thats exciting. and suuuper scary.
that means i have to be a grown up.
pay off loans.
do grown up things.
think about the future.
have a real career.
thats the scary part. i dont know what i want to do.
still working on that.
i am jealous of people that know what they want to do. who have a plan for their lives. hopefully i will get there eventually. hopefully within the next year and a half...

how i feel

this article: http://dorothysurrenders.blogspot.com/2010/08/my-weekend-crush.html
and the article it links to: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/01/fashion/01Love.html

well thats how i feel.

i would go anywhere, do anything, whatever you ask...

i just hope it doesnt end.

Back to School...

...Back to School, to Prove to Dad that I'm not a Fool.

I am really hating August so far.
I am hoping it gets a little better.

George Michael Wisdom

"Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you

But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too"

"That's all I wanted
Something special something sacred -
In your eyes
For just one moment
To to bold and naked
At your side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever...
Say it can be

That's all you wanted
Something special, someone sacred -
In your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked
At my side

Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
But something tells me together
We'll be happy"

"I swear I won't tease you
Won't tell you no lies
I don't need no bible
Just look in my eyes
I've waited so long baby
Out in the cold
I can't take much more girl
I'm losing control

I want your sex
I want your love
I want your.....sex

It's natural
It's chemical (let's do it)
It's logical
Habitual (can we do it?)
It's sensual
But most of all.....
Sex is something that we should do
Sex is something for me and you

Sex is natural - sex is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
Sex is natural - sex is fun
Sex is best when it's....one on one
one on one"

"So if you love me

Say you love me
But if you don't just let me go..."

The guy is pretty deep...

what the hell?

why dont i know what the hell i want?
and why am i so screwed up emotionally.

i wouldnt want to deal with me.
live with me.
date me.
be my friend.

i need to change.

stream of consciousness (as mckmama would say...)

I had so much to say earlier and now its mostly all gone.
I have a lot of emotions and thoughts that cloud my head at times, but I was racing out the door and didnt have time to stop and write them all down.

I am still scared. I am still reserved.
It was about this far in last time that things started getting shitty.
So yes, I am still holding a small piece of my heart guarded so that if things go south again thats one less piece I have to pick up.
I want to let go of my fear, give this all I've got, I just cant yet.

"I will show you love like you’ve never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word"

I hope thats true...

Moving on...

Sometimes I resent these sicknesses.
I dont resent her, it is in no way her fault.
But I find myself hating the migraines and the heart problems.
For her sake.
I want her to be able to have a full life and not end up in bed or on the couch in pain every night.
That just isnt fair.
I still feel awful saying that I resent them though.

Im off to work for my mom this weekend and next week again.
But when youve only got $25 to your name for the next 2 weeks you've gotta do something.
So I will go and clean her house and make more than I make working my actual job.
Maybe I should quit and do this full time.
But not really.
I would hate it.

I guess thats all for now.
I should really get back to work.
If this were true MckMama style this would be MUCH longer and I would have a bajillion pictures in it, but I guess I'm just not as cool. Or something...

wow

i cant believe its been a year since i told.
a year since i first said those words.
and what a year it has been.
even with all of the ups and downs it has caused, i wouldnt take back what i said that night.
it has allowed me to be who i really am.
THIS is me.
its been a tough journey, and i know that it will get tougher still, but i also know that i have such a community of support built up around me.
there are still 4 very important people i need to tell.
the rest will find out when they find out.
but i am scared.
scared of losing 3 of those people.
those 3 people are so important in my life, i cant bear to think of my life without them.
so i hide it still.
eventually the day will come.

where i am at

"It’s not about sex at all, even though that’s the first thing that pops in your head. It’s about the love and the vibe you get from the person."

I love where we are at.
I am so happy to be back in a relationship with her.
I am SO SO happy for her that she was finally able to tell someone.
I love every minute that I spend with her.

But...

I am still a little scared.
Scared of getting hurt again.
I dont want to be, and I am trying to give this my all, but I know that, for now, there is still that little piece of my heart that I am still protecting.
Waiting a little longer to make sure it doesnt get hurt again.
I want to be able to give my all, for both of us, and I will get there, but for now I am still just a little scared.

i want to hold your hand...

Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

Oh, please, say to me
You'll let me be your man
and please, say to me

You'll let me hold your hand
Now let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you i feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand

And when I touch you I feel happy, inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide

Yeah you, got that something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your ha-a-a-a-a-a-and

today

a lot of thoughts.
just taking it day by day, moment by moment.

This is Me...

Always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say

But I have this dream
Right inside of me
I'm gonna let it show
It's time to let you know
To let you know

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me

Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark?
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star

Even though it seems
Like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me

Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you, I gotta find you

You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you, I gotta find you

This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me

There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me, this is me

Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be
This is me

getting there...

im getting there.
closer to telling.
well...closer to telling my family.
ive told a few more people recently.
and it feels good to be able to talk about it.
i wish i could talk about it more often.
like its not a big deal.
i want to tell people things.
have them share in my small victories.
be able to joke about things.
i hate hiding it.
i wish i were able to be myself.
i have ready so many stories lately.
and i have a circle of support.
but i want more.
i want to tell my close friends, but im scared i will lose them.
i want to tell my family.
im just not strong enough yet.

Retarded...really???

update: just now, pretty shortly after posting this, i was listening to music on pandora and a song came on by black eyed peas "lets get retarded". SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

i must admit...i am one who has, and still do at time (accidentally), used the word retarded in a negative light.
growing up i did not have anyone who was physically or mentally disabled in my family, and i did not see how much this can hurt a person, and honestly, i never really thought about it.
even into my teen years, i didnt think twice about using the word.
until i met jadi.
thats horrible that i spent 18 years of my life in the dark about such situations.
sure i knew they existed...but did i care? nope.
how selfish was i?
over the past few years i have come to know jadi and the rest of her family (and ya know...this girl named laura...hahaha) and it has really changed me.
like i mentioned, i do still used the word sometimes, but each time i do, i realize and it kills me that i just said it.
this blog and this blog are both great eye openers to the affects of the r-word, and they really give an inside look to the way that word affects families of a mentally or physically disabled individual.
using this word is just as bad as faggot or nigger or cracker or bitch or any other derogatory term we can use.
how would you feel if people went around calling their non working/stupid/slow/broken whatever a derogatory name about you?

thoughts

got a lot on my mind tonight.
but most of all ive been thinking about tracee and gavin.
little itty bitty gavin.
i am so praying for their family that they are able to hold strong together and get through this.
that gavin can gain the strength that he needs.
that tracee is able to stay pregnant until at least 28 weeks.
that God's will be done in all of this.

i really dont understand it sometimes.
i start to question why?
why are all of these little babies born so sick and broken?
what could God possibly be thinking???
but they i just have to hold strong and have faith.
believe that these little ones are here to teach us something, even if they are only with us for a short time.
the stories are getting to me tonight.
i wish there were more i could do.
but tonight? tonight i pray.
pray that they get through another day, make it one day closer to 28 weeks, improve gavins chances by 1 more day.
i also pray for 1 more day for laura...1 more day of a slow heart rate, then another after that, and another and another. 1 more day for her body to adjust, for her heart to adjust. one more day brings more hope.

tomorrow is another day, many people dont realize how important another day is.
i am starting to realize all that 1 more day can mean.

St Patricks Day

well lets just say it, its gonna suck this year.
another surgery.
another cut, or two, or three...
another day of waiting, wondering, praying that everything goes well.
another recovery full of "maybe this times" and "what ifs"

this st pattys day will be a day of unknowns, of hoping and praying that things go well and nothing goes wrong while they are in there working on her heart.

lets hope for a better easter...

a balancing act

thats what i feel like my life is right now and i feel that at any moment, with one wrong move, things could come crashing down all around.
what is happening to my family and the people i love?
why is this happening?
is this some sort of test? punishment? Gods way of showing Himself?
i dont understand.
laura.
mom.
angela.
mike.
me. (although my issues arent nearly as big)
why do they all have to go through all of this?
laura cant seem to escape...if its not one organ system failing, its another.
all she wants is to lead a somewhat normal life and she cant seem to get a damn break.
her heart, her head, then add the pukes, and now? now we can add her kidneys acting up AGAIN.
my mom is doing ok...i WISH people would stop asking every time i see them...but i do worry. i worry that at any minute things could change again.
angela...geeze where do i start? she cant seem to catch a break either.
and then mike. poor mike. thought he was done with all of this. hopefully he can get some good answers on thursday and be able to put this behind him quickly.

but really...what is going on?
i dont want to question God, but at times like these it is SO hard. why are all of these things happening to such wonderful people? it just doesnt seem fair.

diapees...

well here i am wearing an old lady back patch again...haha.
my back hurts.
but ive gotta be thankful that i dont have heart issues.
and migraines (very often).
and unexplained vomiting.
but it does still hurt.

but other than that things have been pretty great lately.

i love love love our friendship.
we are two old ladies like the 2 we saw at the movie theatre today.
thats us...well maybe in 40 or so years.
but anyways, we are old ladies. (diapees and all...haha)
and i love it.

this week

i hate this week.
i always have, but especially this year.
this was supposed to be the year that i didnt spend that night babysitting.
the year that i had someone.
the year i was actually happy that day.

i will be babysitting this year.

exhausted

i feel bad admitting this...like im not doing enough in my life right now to say that i am...
but i am so exhausted.
between working 2 jobs, school starting back up, and constantly worrying about 2 very important people to me i am just exhausted.
then my dad goes and says things like "youre the only one that understands"...
its a lot to take.
to become the one my dad is leaning on.
i do understand. i know my mom. i know the y. it isnt easy.
but wow. i just keep hearing him say that.
im not ready for more surgeries.
i know it isnt me, and im not the one who has to go through the surgery.
and i want her to be fixed.
i want her to be healthy.
but if something.........i cant even say it.
i would be so broken and devastated.
she is my best friend. my roommate. my dog's other mom. my rock.
its hard to be strong all the time.
im scared.
for laura.
for mom.
and as selfish as it sounds coming out of my mouth...for me.
and because of all that, i am tired.

6 months

mom had a dr appointment today.
nothing new really.
in 6 months she could be dead...
or in 6 months she could be going back to get another mri that shows nothing has changed.
i hate this waiting and wondering.
it scares me that any day the spot in her brain could bleed.
again.
and dramatically change the person she is.
again.
she is changing and it scares me.
i joke about it and play it off, but it tears me up inside.
i cant talk about it though, because we are all so damn freaked out by this that we hardly want to admit it.

lyrics...

I remember the way you made love to me
Like I was all you'd ever need
Did you change your mind
Well I didn't change mine
Now here I am trying to make sense of it all
We were best friends now we don't even talk
You broke my heart
Ripped my world apart

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you,
baby I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me Didn't you know how much I loved you

happy new year

new year.
new decade.
new me.

thats the goal right?