diapees...

well here i am wearing an old lady back patch again...haha.
my back hurts.
but ive gotta be thankful that i dont have heart issues.
and migraines (very often).
and unexplained vomiting.
but it does still hurt.

but other than that things have been pretty great lately.

i love love love our friendship.
we are two old ladies like the 2 we saw at the movie theatre today.
thats us...well maybe in 40 or so years.
but anyways, we are old ladies. (diapees and all...haha)
and i love it.

this week

i hate this week.
i always have, but especially this year.
this was supposed to be the year that i didnt spend that night babysitting.
the year that i had someone.
the year i was actually happy that day.

i will be babysitting this year.

exhausted

i feel bad admitting this...like im not doing enough in my life right now to say that i am...
but i am so exhausted.
between working 2 jobs, school starting back up, and constantly worrying about 2 very important people to me i am just exhausted.
then my dad goes and says things like "youre the only one that understands"...
its a lot to take.
to become the one my dad is leaning on.
i do understand. i know my mom. i know the y. it isnt easy.
but wow. i just keep hearing him say that.
im not ready for more surgeries.
i know it isnt me, and im not the one who has to go through the surgery.
and i want her to be fixed.
i want her to be healthy.
but if something.........i cant even say it.
i would be so broken and devastated.
she is my best friend. my roommate. my dog's other mom. my rock.
its hard to be strong all the time.
im scared.
for laura.
for mom.
and as selfish as it sounds coming out of my mouth...for me.
and because of all that, i am tired.

6 months

mom had a dr appointment today.
nothing new really.
in 6 months she could be dead...
or in 6 months she could be going back to get another mri that shows nothing has changed.
i hate this waiting and wondering.
it scares me that any day the spot in her brain could bleed.
again.
and dramatically change the person she is.
again.
she is changing and it scares me.
i joke about it and play it off, but it tears me up inside.
i cant talk about it though, because we are all so damn freaked out by this that we hardly want to admit it.

lyrics...

I remember the way you made love to me
Like I was all you'd ever need
Did you change your mind
Well I didn't change mine
Now here I am trying to make sense of it all
We were best friends now we don't even talk
You broke my heart
Ripped my world apart

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you,
baby I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me Didn't you know how much I loved you

happy new year

new year.
new decade.
new me.

thats the goal right?

"us"

i am so sick of being alone.
i want to be part of an "us".
to have someone i can call mine.
to be wanted, needed, loved.
i want someone to let me love them.