birfday!!!!

its my birthday this saturday!

who doesnt love birthdays?

i am excited to be 20 and not be a teenager anymore.

it doesnt really feel like my birthday is right around the corner though.

growing up and being an adult sucks because the little things that used to happen for your birthday dont anymore.

i loved when i was little that for about a month before your birthday there would be cards in the mail for you from people you hardly even knew, but they remembered your special day.

and at school your friends would bring you cards and presents...and just little things that made me feel special.

it has always been hard for it to feel like "my day" as a lot of people say their birthdays are, because i share my birthday with halloween, but my parents always managed to make it fun when i was younger.

some days i really wish i could go back to being little...when i didnt have to worry about bills, or work, or school deadlines, and i could just enjoy that it was my birthday and have fun with my friends and family.

lately...

...i miss us.
i miss being a part of something.
i know i shouldnt.
and i try not to.
but it was nice.
and i miss it.

ps. damn hormones.
make me all weird every month.
no matter how hard i try to not let them.

im a fake

some days i feel like i am faking it all.
like if i were to just give up on some things i would be so much happier.
i fake a smile each day at work.
but i keep going back.
i fake a smile when people ask me about my mom when really all i want to do is curl up and cry.
i dont want to lose her, but i am so scared that i am going to.
i fake a smile at school...
i hate what im studying...but i have no clue what i want to do.
i even fake a smile at home some days.
being fake isnt fun.
but sometimes i feel like i cant express what i really feel without being judged.
yeah, i am scared. and yeah, im sad. and yeah, im not really happy where im at.
but i keep going at it every day.

this week has been hard.
ever since mom gave us the news its all i can think about.
i am so scared about the days, weeks, and months to come.
i try to stay positive, but its hard.
i feel like i need a constant hug to keep it together.
instead, i plaster on a fake smile, keep going, and try to stay strong.
i cant keep this up though...its starting to wear me down.
i need a break. i need to just cry.
i need you to be there for me.

"just friends"

the past month has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions.

i go from being completely fine with this one minute, to sobbing the next.

i want to forget.

i want to move on.

but part of me cant.

there is still that small part of me that holds out hope that someday...maybe...

i have seen how good it can be...i had never felt that before.

and now that is what i want.

even if it isnt with her.

i want to find someone that will make me feel how i did during those two wonderful months.

someone who will treat me how i deserve to be treated.

and i know they are out there...i thought i had found her...

but i guess i just keep looking.

just to see you smile...

You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from bein made of gold
I dont know how that I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no
Just like when you were leavin amarillo
To take that new job in tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I cant forget the way you looked at me
Just to see you smile
Id do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
Id never count the cost
Its worth all thats lost
Just to see you smile
When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
Cuz leavin didnt hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin down your face
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance
Id lie again
Just to see you smile
Id do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
Id never count the cost
Its worth all thats lost
Just to see you smile

Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever wanna live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then look around. Drink it in. 'Cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

i am stuck on band aid brand cuz germs dont stick on me

i am trying to leave the bandaid alone.
whats underneath needs to heal.