getting there...

im getting there.
closer to telling.
well...closer to telling my family.
ive told a few more people recently.
and it feels good to be able to talk about it.
i wish i could talk about it more often.
like its not a big deal.
i want to tell people things.
have them share in my small victories.
be able to joke about things.
i hate hiding it.
i wish i were able to be myself.
i have ready so many stories lately.
and i have a circle of support.
but i want more.
i want to tell my close friends, but im scared i will lose them.
i want to tell my family.
im just not strong enough yet.

Retarded...really???

update: just now, pretty shortly after posting this, i was listening to music on pandora and a song came on by black eyed peas "lets get retarded". SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!

i must admit...i am one who has, and still do at time (accidentally), used the word retarded in a negative light.
growing up i did not have anyone who was physically or mentally disabled in my family, and i did not see how much this can hurt a person, and honestly, i never really thought about it.
even into my teen years, i didnt think twice about using the word.
until i met jadi.
thats horrible that i spent 18 years of my life in the dark about such situations.
sure i knew they existed...but did i care? nope.
how selfish was i?
over the past few years i have come to know jadi and the rest of her family (and ya know...this girl named laura...hahaha) and it has really changed me.
like i mentioned, i do still used the word sometimes, but each time i do, i realize and it kills me that i just said it.
this blog and this blog are both great eye openers to the affects of the r-word, and they really give an inside look to the way that word affects families of a mentally or physically disabled individual.
using this word is just as bad as faggot or nigger or cracker or bitch or any other derogatory term we can use.
how would you feel if people went around calling their non working/stupid/slow/broken whatever a derogatory name about you?

thoughts

got a lot on my mind tonight.
but most of all ive been thinking about tracee and gavin.
little itty bitty gavin.
i am so praying for their family that they are able to hold strong together and get through this.
that gavin can gain the strength that he needs.
that tracee is able to stay pregnant until at least 28 weeks.
that God's will be done in all of this.

i really dont understand it sometimes.
i start to question why?
why are all of these little babies born so sick and broken?
what could God possibly be thinking???
but they i just have to hold strong and have faith.
believe that these little ones are here to teach us something, even if they are only with us for a short time.
the stories are getting to me tonight.
i wish there were more i could do.
but tonight? tonight i pray.
pray that they get through another day, make it one day closer to 28 weeks, improve gavins chances by 1 more day.
i also pray for 1 more day for laura...1 more day of a slow heart rate, then another after that, and another and another. 1 more day for her body to adjust, for her heart to adjust. one more day brings more hope.

tomorrow is another day, many people dont realize how important another day is.
i am starting to realize all that 1 more day can mean.

St Patricks Day

well lets just say it, its gonna suck this year.
another surgery.
another cut, or two, or three...
another day of waiting, wondering, praying that everything goes well.
another recovery full of "maybe this times" and "what ifs"

this st pattys day will be a day of unknowns, of hoping and praying that things go well and nothing goes wrong while they are in there working on her heart.

lets hope for a better easter...

a balancing act

thats what i feel like my life is right now and i feel that at any moment, with one wrong move, things could come crashing down all around.
what is happening to my family and the people i love?
why is this happening?
is this some sort of test? punishment? Gods way of showing Himself?
i dont understand.
laura.
mom.
angela.
mike.
me. (although my issues arent nearly as big)
why do they all have to go through all of this?
laura cant seem to escape...if its not one organ system failing, its another.
all she wants is to lead a somewhat normal life and she cant seem to get a damn break.
her heart, her head, then add the pukes, and now? now we can add her kidneys acting up AGAIN.
my mom is doing ok...i WISH people would stop asking every time i see them...but i do worry. i worry that at any minute things could change again.
angela...geeze where do i start? she cant seem to catch a break either.
and then mike. poor mike. thought he was done with all of this. hopefully he can get some good answers on thursday and be able to put this behind him quickly.

but really...what is going on?
i dont want to question God, but at times like these it is SO hard. why are all of these things happening to such wonderful people? it just doesnt seem fair.

diapees...

well here i am wearing an old lady back patch again...haha.
my back hurts.
but ive gotta be thankful that i dont have heart issues.
and migraines (very often).
and unexplained vomiting.
but it does still hurt.

but other than that things have been pretty great lately.

i love love love our friendship.
we are two old ladies like the 2 we saw at the movie theatre today.
thats us...well maybe in 40 or so years.
but anyways, we are old ladies. (diapees and all...haha)
and i love it.

this week

i hate this week.
i always have, but especially this year.
this was supposed to be the year that i didnt spend that night babysitting.
the year that i had someone.
the year i was actually happy that day.

i will be babysitting this year.