exhausted

i feel bad admitting this...like im not doing enough in my life right now to say that i am...
but i am so exhausted.
between working 2 jobs, school starting back up, and constantly worrying about 2 very important people to me i am just exhausted.
then my dad goes and says things like "youre the only one that understands"...
its a lot to take.
to become the one my dad is leaning on.
i do understand. i know my mom. i know the y. it isnt easy.
but wow. i just keep hearing him say that.
im not ready for more surgeries.
i know it isnt me, and im not the one who has to go through the surgery.
and i want her to be fixed.
i want her to be healthy.
but if something.........i cant even say it.
i would be so broken and devastated.
she is my best friend. my roommate. my dog's other mom. my rock.
its hard to be strong all the time.
im scared.
for laura.
for mom.
and as selfish as it sounds coming out of my mouth...for me.
and because of all that, i am tired.

6 months

mom had a dr appointment today.
nothing new really.
in 6 months she could be dead...
or in 6 months she could be going back to get another mri that shows nothing has changed.
i hate this waiting and wondering.
it scares me that any day the spot in her brain could bleed.
again.
and dramatically change the person she is.
again.
she is changing and it scares me.
i joke about it and play it off, but it tears me up inside.
i cant talk about it though, because we are all so damn freaked out by this that we hardly want to admit it.

lyrics...

I remember the way you made love to me
Like I was all you'd ever need
Did you change your mind
Well I didn't change mine
Now here I am trying to make sense of it all
We were best friends now we don't even talk
You broke my heart
Ripped my world apart

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you,
baby I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me Didn't you know how much I loved you

happy new year

new year.
new decade.
new me.

thats the goal right?

"us"

i am so sick of being alone.
i want to be part of an "us".
to have someone i can call mine.
to be wanted, needed, loved.
i want someone to let me love them.

i think ive done it...

i think ive done it.

i think i have finally managed to...

although given the opportunity i would gladly go back in a second...

but i think i might be back to friends on this one.

wish i werent.

but if thats where she wants to be thats where i would rather be.

ps...i got an A in acc...how kick ass is that?

im pretty excited.

pps. i hate secrets. i want to be able to tell all that i have had bottled up.

i cried...

tonight on the way home from the hospital, i cried. a lot.

i just let loose and cried about everything that has been weighing on me.

i cried for laura...

i cried about how much pain she was in, how i had to leave the hospital because i couldnt stand to stay there watching her be in that much pain. i cried that through all of this, she still may not be done with this ordeal. i cried about how potentially dangerous this last procedure was...and she doesnt even know it yet.

i cried for my mom...

i cried about the fact that she is changing every day before my eyes and there is nothing we can do about it. i cried that even if they figure something out to do it is still going to change who she is in a huge way. i cried because i love her and i hate when shit (for lack of a better word) like this happens to her.

i cried because i have bad gas mileage lately. i cried because i am totally broke and it sucks, i just want to be able to go shopping for once.

i cried that i had left jones alone all day.

i cried that i think i really hate my job but i am scared because i dont know what to do in life.

i cried about how badly my heart is still broken, and how i dont know how to get over it.

i cried for dumb things, i cried for really important things...

i cried and cried and cried...and then cried some more.

it felt good to get it out.

i wish i could fix all of it, so i wouldnt have to cry about it.

im still figuring that part out...