"us"

i am so sick of being alone.
i want to be part of an "us".
to have someone i can call mine.
to be wanted, needed, loved.
i want someone to let me love them.

i think ive done it...

i think ive done it.

i think i have finally managed to...

although given the opportunity i would gladly go back in a second...

but i think i might be back to friends on this one.

wish i werent.

but if thats where she wants to be thats where i would rather be.

ps...i got an A in acc...how kick ass is that?

im pretty excited.

pps. i hate secrets. i want to be able to tell all that i have had bottled up.

i cried...

tonight on the way home from the hospital, i cried. a lot.

i just let loose and cried about everything that has been weighing on me.

i cried for laura...

i cried about how much pain she was in, how i had to leave the hospital because i couldnt stand to stay there watching her be in that much pain. i cried that through all of this, she still may not be done with this ordeal. i cried about how potentially dangerous this last procedure was...and she doesnt even know it yet.

i cried for my mom...

i cried about the fact that she is changing every day before my eyes and there is nothing we can do about it. i cried that even if they figure something out to do it is still going to change who she is in a huge way. i cried because i love her and i hate when shit (for lack of a better word) like this happens to her.

i cried because i have bad gas mileage lately. i cried because i am totally broke and it sucks, i just want to be able to go shopping for once.

i cried that i had left jones alone all day.

i cried that i think i really hate my job but i am scared because i dont know what to do in life.

i cried about how badly my heart is still broken, and how i dont know how to get over it.

i cried for dumb things, i cried for really important things...

i cried and cried and cried...and then cried some more.

it felt good to get it out.

i wish i could fix all of it, so i wouldnt have to cry about it.

im still figuring that part out...

well this sucks...

i am totally in love with her.

but she doesnt feel the same way.

how do you fall out of love?
anyone?
because i need to...

every day i wake up i think today will be different...
then that little blue light lights up my phone, and my heart jumps...and i know it wont be.

i try getting mad at her, i try shutting her out like she does to me, i try getting her mad at me so i can think she is a bitch...none of it has worked.

i want to go back to being just friends like she wants to be, i need that, but i cant figure it out.

peanut

I miss this little guy... But I am so increadibly happy for him, and the little guy he has become.
Congrats Keenan John Angel.

ive come to a realization...

it doesnt really make me feel better.

or worse...

i just have a little more clarity now.

dreams

dreams...

i have been having a lot of them lately.

some are just very off the wall and strange...

but the dreams that are killing me, that i keep having every night, are the ones that i wake up and it breaks my heart all over again when i realize they arent real.

i so wish they were real...