Step 1

She's just going to Ohio to see family...
She's just going to Ohio to see family...
She's just going to Ohio to see family...
She's just going to Ohio to see family...

I can handle that step.
That step doesn't make me cry.

Lets focus on me

Yes, I said I was done posting here but I needed someplace to write that my mom isn't going to read and then want to talk about.

I'm in a major time of change in my life and I am trying to figure me out.
What I want out of a career, a life partner, school, my family, religion, all of it.
I am trying to be 100% honest with me so I can be honest with those around me.
I am loving school! I can't wait to be in the RT program. :)
I hate my job, but what's new?
I want to date. Like, for real date. Not just sleeping together.
I want to finish losing weight. I'm doing it the healthy way this time...no starving myself.
I want to feel comfortable in my skin.
I want to feel loved.
I want to feel close to God.
I want to be happy.

I am taking steps towards all of those.

If not now, when?

Resentment and anger

Sometimes I really resent the fact that god made me a lesbian.
My one dream, the one thing I always knew that I wanted to do with my life since I was little was be a mom.
Do you know how much harder the road to becoming a mom is when you're gay?
Do I want to put a child through the persecutions I know they will face because they have 2 mommies?
Or do I put my dream second to the pain a child would feel and instead leave my dream unfulfilled?
It is just so damn unfair. Why couldn't god have made me straight? Given me the easy road? I sometimes wonder if this is some sort of punishment.
At other times I wonder if it is Gods way of preparing me for something bigger.
I feel like I am chasing other dreams, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do in life.
What is my calling to fill this void that giving up my life long dream has left?
And yes, I may still have a baby some day. But will it be mine? Will I get to be pregnant? Will he or she be accepted by my family?
It all just makes me so angry to think about.

I think I need to continue to come to terms with myself before I can get any answers to these questions.
I need to stop hiding in some areas of my life and be fully true to myself.
I think 2012 is the year I need to completely come out. I am sick of this weight on my shoulders. It holds me back from happiness.
I am just still so damn scared of the what ifs.
I pray that God will lead me to do what is right. In his time. And that he will give me peace and strength along the way no matter what may happen.

end of the road

well, i think this blog is coming to the end of the road.
mostly on it i have documented the ups and downs of life with a certain person and that chapter seems to be coming to an end.
my best friend, my second sister, the first person i ever fell in love with, is moving on to a new life that doesnt seem to include me and there is nothing i can do about it.
so with that chapter ending soon, i guess so does this blog.
i am sure i will be back before im done with this totally, but if not, adios!

no strings attached

never knew how well that could work out.
i can have fun (and it is definitely fun) and no one (namely me) ends up hurt!
why the hell have i been so clingy and such an emotional basket case in the past?
what the fuck was my problem?
geeze.
i would get rid of me too.

one night at a time

For the first time ever I can truly say I am 100% ok with this statement.

hmm.

ok, so i know i said in the last post that i am happy, and its true, i am.
but the past few days i have had those feelings again.
those what ifs? and why nots?
it doesnt make me sad though.
i love the time that we spent together, i love the songs that remind me of us, i love who we were and who we are today.
sure, i wish for more, and sure if it were offered again i would jump at the chance.
but i think i would approach it differently.
getting my heart broken twice sucked, but there is just something about her that keeps me coming back.
i dont understand it, dont know that i ever will, and dont know that we will ever have what we had that first summer, but i will never lose those memories.

long time

wow it has been a long time.
boy have things changed.
im happy. work is stressful. (but when is it not?)
school is almost done!
i cant believe in one semester i will be a real adult!
i also cant believe i still have christmas decorations on my blog.
ive been busy else where.
anyways, just checking in here.
i try to avoid the posts on here so i dont get sad, but i also dont want to forget those memories.
best two summers of my life. :)

night time

At night is when I think about us.
When I miss us most. When I wonder what could have been.
Wonder what went wrong. Again.
Blame myself.
Send text messages I probably shouldn't.
I think this is because night was our time.
We were close.
It wasn't about other people. Or work. Or school.
We talked.
We watched tv.
We held each other.
My arms ache for that most nights.
My body longs for the feel of yours next to me.
I can fall asleep on the couch, but my bed feels so empty.
I know I'm still in love with you, though I know you're long over me.
Wish I didn't have these feelings.
They hold me back from being with others.
It's pretty shitty. No other way to describe it.
Even though you've broken my heart before, I would still give it to you whole heartedly and without reserve if you asked.
I wish you still loved me.

Now I sound all emo, so ill go.
Try to put these thoughts put of my head and sleep.

ive got a bad feeling about this

Addiction. It's a tricky little bastard.
Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Perfection. No addiction is good.

theres just no getting over you

Will it ever happen?
Will I ever get over you?
I fully know you don't want the same things I do yet I can't make my heart get over you.
I've tried. In many different ways.
I've tried going out with other people.
I've tried faking it.
I just can't shake my feelings for you.
Some days I don't want to. I think maybe if I hold out long enough it will happen. I feel better thinking you really do feel the same, you're just scared to show it.
I lie to myself a lot.
For some reason, something in me keeps holding on to you and I can't get over it.
Eventually...

funeral

today was the funeral.
i think in every way it was perfect for nana.
we had mass, which honored her strong catholic heritage.
there was a bagpipes player who played danny boy and amazing grace.
all of her children were there (except, of course, Earl, who she is in heaven with even now).
jimmy played the piano which was perfect because she gave him the piano he learned to play on.
there were 3 rosaries in her casket.
we sang.
we cried.
some talked.
perfect.
sad.
still hard to believe she really is gone.

I needed you
You weren't there
I asked
You couldn't come
I cried
And was alone

nana

shes gone.
i cant believe it.
i know i didnt have the closest of relationiships with her, and i made fun of her crazy ways.
but now...shes gone.
no more of her crazy stories.
no more of her old irish songs.
it happened so fast.
i know she was old, but i still didnt expect it.

christmas decorations!

we dont have a TON of christmas decorations up, but i have pictures of the few we do have, so i thought i would share.

here is our tree. no ornaments (yet) but we have mostly ones we made growing up that we will put up eventually...sometime before christmas...lol.

Here are our christmas candles and a cute reindeer. :)

STOCKINGS!!! Lauras, Jones' (our puppy), and mine!

Other Christmas decorations around the house.

Some outdoor decorations. :)

Hope you enjoyed this brief tour of my AZ christmas decorations!

grenade

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash,
Tossed it in the trash you did

To give me all your love
Is all I ever asked
But what you don't understand is

I'd catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I'd jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
Oh, oh I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby
But you won't do the same

why i get a flu shot...

many people have asked me why i, a 21 yr old perfectly healthy person, get the flu shot every year. i dont really feel like i should have to justify why i get it, it seems like common sense to me to get the flu shot, but i got to thinking about it and heres why...

i get it for the people i love. for people i dont know who have weakened immune systems. for everyone around me. for myself. for social responsibility. for the kids i work with on a weekly basis. but most of all i get it for laura.

that sounds weird, im sure. but i live with her. she has a weakened immune system. if she were to get the flu it could be devastating. if her mom or sister were to get the flu it could be even worse.

honestly, i dont understand why people DONT get the flu shot unless for some medical reason they cant. its simple. it barely hurts. it takes a few minutes out of your life. you can even find free shot clinics to get it if you cant afford it. i come into contact with so many people every day who it could be devastating for if they were to get the flu that for me it seems like a no-brainer.

i guess not everyone thinks like me...

same words, different tune

And I still fell for it again. And it hurt just as bad the second time. Just change the music each time and I'd probably do it a third or fouth time too. Most days it doesn't hurt, but today it does. I gave my all. Loved with all I had. Let my guard down again. And got hurt again. How?? Why?? I was so careful this time. I don't know the answer to that. So for tonight, I hurt. But I move on.

Show us your life: Livingroom!

Lets try something different tonight...Ill join in on my first ever blog hop, thanks to Kelly at Kelly's Korner, and show off our livingroom. Its nothing fancy, just live in an apartment, but it works for us. :)
Ill preface this by saying just about everything in our apartment is from IKEA.

First we have our entertainment center. We dont have cable so we have a LOT of dvd's.

Then we have our wall of photos. (This was before we put pictures in the frames.) We have a crib because my parents used to do infant foster care and my sister has two boys, 1 and 4 yrs old, who we help care for sometimes.

Last we have our couches. Oh and our ceiling fan! Big savior in Arizona. These couches are awesome because the covers can come of and be washed, and if we every choose to change colors we can easily do that too. That comes in very handy when we have a puppy and small children around.

This last picture just shows the true color of our walls. They are much more teal than they look in all of the previous pictures.

emptiness

i feel empty tonight.
like everything has been drained out of me.
im financially drained, emotionally drained, physically drained.
i have invested so much lately into everything around me, and i dont feel like i am getting anything back.
i need to get something back.
selfish as that may sound.
i need to take a minute for me.
to not worry about anything or anyone else but me.
but i feel like i have to play catch up all the time.
i worry that one morning i will wake up and everything will have moved on.
i will still be stuck working at the y, 20 years old, in college, and they will be gone.
off to their marriages or kids or new careers...
i just dont want to be left in the dust.
uuuuuugh.