She's just going to Ohio to see family...
She's just going to Ohio to see family...
She's just going to Ohio to see family...
She's just going to Ohio to see family...
I can handle that step.
That step doesn't make me cry.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Lets focus on me
Yes, I said I was done posting here but I needed someplace to write that my mom isn't going to read and then want to talk about.
I'm in a major time of change in my life and I am trying to figure me out.
What I want out of a career, a life partner, school, my family, religion, all of it.
I am trying to be 100% honest with me so I can be honest with those around me.
I am loving school! I can't wait to be in the RT program. :)
I hate my job, but what's new?
I want to date. Like, for real date. Not just sleeping together.
I want to finish losing weight. I'm doing it the healthy way this time...no starving myself.
I want to feel comfortable in my skin.
I want to feel loved.
I want to feel close to God.
I want to be happy.
I am taking steps towards all of those.
If not now, when?
I'm in a major time of change in my life and I am trying to figure me out.
What I want out of a career, a life partner, school, my family, religion, all of it.
I am trying to be 100% honest with me so I can be honest with those around me.
I am loving school! I can't wait to be in the RT program. :)
I hate my job, but what's new?
I want to date. Like, for real date. Not just sleeping together.
I want to finish losing weight. I'm doing it the healthy way this time...no starving myself.
I want to feel comfortable in my skin.
I want to feel loved.
I want to feel close to God.
I want to be happy.
I am taking steps towards all of those.
If not now, when?
Monday, January 2, 2012
Resentment and anger
Sometimes I really resent the fact that god made me a lesbian.
My one dream, the one thing I always knew that I wanted to do with my life since I was little was be a mom.
Do you know how much harder the road to becoming a mom is when you're gay?
Do I want to put a child through the persecutions I know they will face because they have 2 mommies?
Or do I put my dream second to the pain a child would feel and instead leave my dream unfulfilled?
It is just so damn unfair. Why couldn't god have made me straight? Given me the easy road? I sometimes wonder if this is some sort of punishment.
At other times I wonder if it is Gods way of preparing me for something bigger.
I feel like I am chasing other dreams, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do in life.
What is my calling to fill this void that giving up my life long dream has left?
And yes, I may still have a baby some day. But will it be mine? Will I get to be pregnant? Will he or she be accepted by my family?
It all just makes me so angry to think about.
I think I need to continue to come to terms with myself before I can get any answers to these questions.
I need to stop hiding in some areas of my life and be fully true to myself.
I think 2012 is the year I need to completely come out. I am sick of this weight on my shoulders. It holds me back from happiness.
I am just still so damn scared of the what ifs.
I pray that God will lead me to do what is right. In his time. And that he will give me peace and strength along the way no matter what may happen.
My one dream, the one thing I always knew that I wanted to do with my life since I was little was be a mom.
Do you know how much harder the road to becoming a mom is when you're gay?
Do I want to put a child through the persecutions I know they will face because they have 2 mommies?
Or do I put my dream second to the pain a child would feel and instead leave my dream unfulfilled?
It is just so damn unfair. Why couldn't god have made me straight? Given me the easy road? I sometimes wonder if this is some sort of punishment.
At other times I wonder if it is Gods way of preparing me for something bigger.
I feel like I am chasing other dreams, trying to figure out what I am supposed to do in life.
What is my calling to fill this void that giving up my life long dream has left?
And yes, I may still have a baby some day. But will it be mine? Will I get to be pregnant? Will he or she be accepted by my family?
It all just makes me so angry to think about.
I think I need to continue to come to terms with myself before I can get any answers to these questions.
I need to stop hiding in some areas of my life and be fully true to myself.
I think 2012 is the year I need to completely come out. I am sick of this weight on my shoulders. It holds me back from happiness.
I am just still so damn scared of the what ifs.
I pray that God will lead me to do what is right. In his time. And that he will give me peace and strength along the way no matter what may happen.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
end of the road
well, i think this blog is coming to the end of the road.
mostly on it i have documented the ups and downs of life with a certain person and that chapter seems to be coming to an end.
my best friend, my second sister, the first person i ever fell in love with, is moving on to a new life that doesnt seem to include me and there is nothing i can do about it.
so with that chapter ending soon, i guess so does this blog.
i am sure i will be back before im done with this totally, but if not, adios!
mostly on it i have documented the ups and downs of life with a certain person and that chapter seems to be coming to an end.
my best friend, my second sister, the first person i ever fell in love with, is moving on to a new life that doesnt seem to include me and there is nothing i can do about it.
so with that chapter ending soon, i guess so does this blog.
i am sure i will be back before im done with this totally, but if not, adios!
Friday, May 27, 2011
no strings attached
never knew how well that could work out.
i can have fun (and it is definitely fun) and no one (namely me) ends up hurt!
why the hell have i been so clingy and such an emotional basket case in the past?
what the fuck was my problem?
geeze.
i would get rid of me too.
i can have fun (and it is definitely fun) and no one (namely me) ends up hurt!
why the hell have i been so clingy and such an emotional basket case in the past?
what the fuck was my problem?
geeze.
i would get rid of me too.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
hmm.
ok, so i know i said in the last post that i am happy, and its true, i am.
but the past few days i have had those feelings again.
those what ifs? and why nots?
it doesnt make me sad though.
i love the time that we spent together, i love the songs that remind me of us, i love who we were and who we are today.
sure, i wish for more, and sure if it were offered again i would jump at the chance.
but i think i would approach it differently.
getting my heart broken twice sucked, but there is just something about her that keeps me coming back.
i dont understand it, dont know that i ever will, and dont know that we will ever have what we had that first summer, but i will never lose those memories.
but the past few days i have had those feelings again.
those what ifs? and why nots?
it doesnt make me sad though.
i love the time that we spent together, i love the songs that remind me of us, i love who we were and who we are today.
sure, i wish for more, and sure if it were offered again i would jump at the chance.
but i think i would approach it differently.
getting my heart broken twice sucked, but there is just something about her that keeps me coming back.
i dont understand it, dont know that i ever will, and dont know that we will ever have what we had that first summer, but i will never lose those memories.
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